This "gentleman" is trying to get a look through Severe Benson's bedroom window.... purely in the interests of science... read on ..... Here's the details of a book you will surely be familiar with ... but which book ? Author(s): S. Vere Benson ( known to all as Severe Benson.)(Obviously) Condition: Fair ( not Severe Benson ... the book) Dimensions:3 3/4" x 5 3/4" ( That's not SVB either) Edition:1950's Format:Hardback Number of pages:224 Publisher:Frederick Warne, London . While you're thinking about that, here's a handy picture to stop you from seeing what it is too early.. Well readers, it was, of course ..... The Observer's Book of British Birds by S. Vere Benson Hon.Sec. of the Bird Lovers’ League Foreword by The Rt.Hon.Frances " Daisy", Countess of Warwick. I haven't been able to find out much about The Bird Lovers' League, or Severe Benson, including his/her gender*(!) .... s'he wrote several other bird books, including The Birds of Lebanon...however, the lady who wrote the Fascinating Foreword refers to "the Misses Benson." However ..... * I have found, serendipitously, a person who thinks Severe Benson is male ! But how does he know ? Here's what he wrote ... " This book is by a serious bird expert, Mr. S Vere Benson, who knows about things like the Little Stint, the Knot, the Brambling and the Siskin. " SO ..... you can have it either way ... as the Bishop said to the Actress. I've googled The Bird-Lover's League without success .... and I haven't found any pics of Severe Benson either .... nor anything else. Well, you can't always get what you want ..... I can't think of any possible "relevant" music for all that, so it's this instead .. and if you want to sing along ... Maybe if I could afford this ... I would find out more ... I bet one of my horde of readers ( well, 3) has got a copy ... and they could find out ... and tell me !
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Yes, I admit it ...... I'm one of those old-school numptys who totally and regrettably wasted their teenage years, when I should have been trying to seduce young ladies, nicking stuff off market stalls, writing rude things on walls, driving my parents to an early grave, stealing cars and driving them till the petrol ran out, getting into fights, reading dodgy magazines , smoking illicit substances, taking dubious tablets and generally enjoying a totally dissipated life . But no ! I didn't do any of that. There might have been one or two overdue library books, the odd attempt to talk to a member of the opposite sex, a few missed homeworks ...... that's all. No. I spent my teenage schooldays learning the Latin names of birds, woodlice (!), spiders, flowers, trees ..... which is totally fine and normal... well, normal for me anyway ...... BUT !!!! In recent years, hordes of meddling twonks have been busy changing them all. Yes, I know I've mentioned it before, but it's getting worse. The whole idea of all that was to enable us swotty types to have the same name for the same species anywhere in the world. Plus, of course, to represent the branches and twigs of the evolutionary tree. Oh ... and to show off ! Obviously. The rapidity of the change was demonstrated yesterday .... I went round to my sister's house, and there was a big juicy spider on the ceiling . I gleefully showed off by telling the assembled family its Latin name ... clever me ,eh ? ... but later in the day I was looking it up to post said sister a picture of it only to find out IT had had its blasted Latin name changed as well. ! Erk ! Ouch ! Dam and Blarst. I wasted the prime of my life in a pointless search for rationality. When in fact I should have been attempting to do all that naughty stuff up there. Grrrrrrrrrr. Now then you lot, you're going to think that I've written this partly to give me an excuse for putting this song on here..... and you would be right .... but only partly. Death Cab for Cutie .... Different Names for the Same Thing Besides it being a beautiful song, the video is rather wonderful too ...... Alone on a train, aimless in wonder
An outdated map, crumbled in my pocket But I didn't care where I was going 'Cause they're all different names for the same place The coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun I knew no words to share with anyone The boundaries of language I quietly cursed All the different names for the same thing There are different names for the same thing There are different names for the same thing There are different names There are different names There are different names There are different names There are different names There are different names There are different names There are different names Smashing ... I want one of those " protect your nuts" T-shirts now. A while ago, I predicted " The Death of Birding" ...here's what I wrote then ... Well, obviously birding can't last for ever ... I mean, in a few billions of years, the sun is going to fry us all to fritters.... so there's the death of birding. Probably But there are more immediate threats ... when Universal Credit, robots depriving huge swathes of the workforce of their jobs, the rise and rise of cohorts of gormless, witless, uneducated 1st-class degree-holders taking over the country and making even worse the dire state of management, not to mention the Ebola virus which will inevitably be ferried on our airlines to every country in the world, and, of course, Amazon, and all those Antisocial Media sites.... Witter, Acebook, , Bumbler, Napchat, Instagran (for the over-twelves) ..all of that and more ...reduces the world to utter chaos, birding will get a bit marginalised. Or worse. But there is a much more imminent danger to birding .... any day now, some dickhead will put a new sort of binoculars on the market ...it will have, tucked away inside its gubbins, bird-recognition software which will ID any bird within seconds and name it onscreen. And a range of telescopes that do the same. ¡ Ouch ! Oh, we'll all say we're not getting one of them, but you know what ... soon there just won't be the old sort. But "we", we happy band of real birders, will hold on to our old bins and scope and keep on using them. Maybe we'll have to do it surreptitiously as they will become valuable collectors items and be worth several Banksies ... that's the new currency that coming in soon. It's a sort of Craptocurrency that will sweep the world. But we can't hold out for ever. It will be The Death Of Birding. But on the plus side, we can revert to type...wandering round the, er. countryside ( the what ?) enjoying ( what?) watching and hearing the birds. ( ?) ( the what ?) How very odd. But it might catch on. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ OK ... let's see these new scenarios shall we .... I've thought up more ways it could wither away into nothingness . And here's a likely one ... well, three really .... DRONEBIRDING 1 Oh yes .... we could just send drones out to find and photograph and film rare birds rather than driving hundreds of miles to probably not see them at all. They could cover massive swathes of "likely spots" for us, and discover all sorts of crackers ! And we could just stay at home, annoying our companion in life, never leaving the house ( because all our jobs will be done by computers) . Smashing ! And we won't even need to "write them up" .... the on-board super-computer will do all that. Ace ! DRONEBIRDING 2 Not only could we do that, we could also set the drones to scare those rare birds away once they had been photographed and filmed ! Ha! That would stop others from ticking the little sods !!! DRONEBIRDING 3 Even more startlingly, if that's a word, we could get the drone to actually BRING THE RARITY ROUND TO OUR HOUSE ! Blimey !! Garden Tick or what !!!!! As a sideline, we could charge everyone £8:50 to come round to our house and tick it. We could pretend that the extra 50p would go to conservation charities. Hey .. it could even make "raids" into other countries ... we could get it to cart Wallcreepers round to our house!! I'm up for that. And ... we could claim that it would be good for our carbon footprint. Ornithology + Philanthropy combined. So ..there we have it. I can't help thinking there must be snag of some sort with all that. Er .... something's going to muck it all up I'm sure. Maybe you can think of something. Maybe we'll miss all those "rare" days .... los días raros .... Being at the seaside is a great stimulus for the "poetic muse" that us aesthetes like to think we've got ....and two of them are true... so here's a few wot I wrote in between not seeing any Black-headed Gulls ..... and I'm going to give them all Nifty Titles ! ... SEVEN SERENDIPITOUS SONGS ( fancy title too ) [1] Crypticity There was a young man from Dundee Who thought he had found a Thick-knee, a.k.a the Stone-Curlew which is tricky to view 'cos its plumage is cryptic, you see ! ( or rather, you don't see ) [2] Further Horizons ... A young lady who lived in Bombay Always walked around town with a Jay that sat on her head and occasionally said " I can see so much further this way !" [3] Stanley's Knife There was a young birder called Stanley Who was worried that birding ain't manly. So he wore hob-nailed boots, and sharp-looking suits, and carried a knife ( also Stanley). [4] Alice in Sunderland Alice, who had bought new binoculars first used them to look at some Fulmars but after all that she faced up to the fact there's no more birds that rhyme with her oculars. [5] Crests and Crusts A right bonny bird is the Hoopoe And it only eats dry crusts and cat-poo they're fine and nutritious and really delicious and keep his crest tickety-boo ! [6] Evans Above ! I once spent a hot afternoon with Lee Evans ...both hoping that soon a rare bird would appear but it didn't, and I fear that he'll blame me for it, the loon. [7] The Sense of an Ending..... Lots of bird names begin with a B like the Black-headed gull, as you see but to end with a B that's a true rarity but there's two types of Carib ( not 3). As far as I can find, there's no other bird ending with a B .... surely I must have overlooked something. The bigger question is, are there any Bees which end in with a B ? Now there's a thought. Is there a Jay ending in J ? Is there a sea ending in C .... yes. Is there a Pea ending in P ? Is there a tree ending in T? ..yes. Enough, enough Of this weary stough It's much too tough But clever though. So I'll sit on a bough And watch a cough. Well, with all those things to think about, I'm a worried man ... and maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that Stanley knife either . Luckily, here's a song that has nothing to do with either.... We've all read and admired The Big Bird Race. And I've introduced you to The Big Turd Race. Just 3 posts back actually ( #504). But there's lots of other "breakaway" versions. I know ..you just can't wait ! There's the Wig Bird Race .... all competitors must wear a comedy wig. Also... The Tig Bird Race .. if you get "tigged" by any of the OTs, you lose a tick. ( OT = Opposite Team .. you knew that) The Bin Bird Race .... obviously, binoculars only.... and the opposite.. The Bin Barred Race .... yep ..scopes only. The Bat Bird Race ... Bats will count as well as birds. The Bog Bird Race ... sightings from a toilet get treble points. The Bug Bird Race .... birds eating insects count double. The Fag Bird Race .... it can be either No Smoking or Must Smoke. The Big Nerd Race ... only people with a list ‹ 200 need apply. The Pig Bird Race .... pies must be eaten on the hour, every hour. The Fig Bird Race ..... at each tick, you eat a fig. They go right through you. The Big Word Race .. Only birds with › 12 letters in their name will count. The Gig Bird Race .. teams must perform a song every ½ hour... G,Rg B, V and D.. ( Guitar, Rhythm Guitar, Bass, Vocals and Drums. And they've got to be about birds.) The Sit Bird Race ..... You sit in one place .... choose it well. The Big Bard Race .... Each team member has to describe their day in verse. The Bad Bard Race ... as above, but their verses must be wonderfully awful. The Big Shard Race .... you can only do your spotting from inside The Shard. The Fit Bird Race ........ I'll leave that to your imagination. The Flat Bird Race ..... road casualties count double. The Big Heard Race ... silent birds won't count. The Jig Bird Race .... all competitors must dance,prance and jig their way round. The Jag Bird Race .. the entire team must stay in the Jaguar for the entire race. The Jub-Jub Bird Race .. all team members must climb a Jub-Jub Tree per tick ! The Sin Bird Race .... one of the Ten Commandments must be broken on the hour, every hour ! There's fun ! The Big Bird Acre ... you've only got 1 Acre of land to operate in. The Big Bird Acer ...all birds must be seen in/on/over/from an Acer. The Big Bird Care ... all proceeds go to the Cat Annihilation Research Executive. Eht Gib Drib Ecar... all bird lists and names must be written in reverse. .. AND/OR .. the route must be the reverse of last year's. The Twig Bird Race ... all birds must be spotted on a twig ... photographic evidence mandatory. The Swig Bird Race ... every competitor has a swig (20 cm³) of beer at every tick. The Trig Bird Race ... all birds must be seen from a Trig Point. .... or the route must be a series of Trig points. The Frig Bird Race ...... you'll have to work that one out for yourselves. The Frog Bird Race ..... competitors have to hop the whole way, with the additional option of taking to the water ! I'm sure some of you will have "done" some of those. I know I have. And if you haven't, now you can. And some of you might know some more. And you could tell me about them ( [email protected]) And I could bung them on the list. And you could "do" one of them... And you could be a little wanderer... When we were on our N.Wales Coast Trip we stayed in a titchy caravan near Abergele. Except for a day of rain, it got incredibly hot while we were out, so we left those "slot" windows at the top open to help cool it down. And to stop the numerous local Starlings getting in , which they have done on previous caravan capers, I devised a cunning way of scaring them off ..... here's the 1st day's effort ..... I hope you are suitably impressed ..... here's the next day's version .. ..we only needed 1 more ..... he seems to have a bit of a headache .... ..and they worked .... no Starlings, no trace of Starlings .... I expect you'll all be doing it now .... but .. a word of warning ... ... they're a bit startling. Well, they startled the starlings ! Question 1 .... what nickname did I give my lovely creation ? Question 2 .... what, if anything, isn't much use on this ... ? and now, the usual " nothing-to-do-with-anything " music selection .. The Significant Otter didn't like "him" either But I say ... there's a bit of Frank Sidebottom about him. Hey .. I hope you noticed the Welsh and French paperbacks on the side table. I'm a multi-tasking Old Hector ! For 4 days me and The Significant Otter temporarily abandoned our beloved Flintshire and ventured onto the North Wales Coast ! Gwallgof ! ... and as you head in the Bangor direction there's more Welsh-speakers / km² And, yes, I did inflict my Welsh on quite a few people ... they don't like it you know .... they like their little secret language and don't want us English gogs learning it. Oh no. Naturally, what with the amazing beaches etc up there on't North Coast I did quite a bit of birding, even on occasions leaving the S.O. to her own devices and wandering around on my own. But here's a thing ... a thing that perplexed me throughout the 4 days. After 3 days of seeing loads of Herring Gulls, I suddenly realised that they were the ONLY sort of gull I had seen ... not a single blasted other one ... no Black-backs (Greater or Lesser) and amazingly not a single Black-Headed Gull ! What ?? Wot-wot-wot-wot-wot-wot-wot-wot-WOT ! Humph ... I thought ... action must be taken ...... so I ventured up to Conwy/Conway where there is a reserve .... every time I go there, the signage is different ... sometimes non-existent. Over many years I've seen good stuff there, and some very eccentric people.... but this time I wanted to break my lamentable only-1-sp-of-gull disaster. It had got to the stage where I was theorising about it .... had they all been wiped out by some bhg-specific bug ? Had I gone mad ? Had they been eradicated by rancid sandwiches fed to them by pustulous inhabitants ? Or maybe they had eaten some sort of organism that rendered them invisible. Well readers, I did break my gull-duck ! But there weren't any B-h-Gulls there either .... bah ...but.. there were 2 Lesser Black-Backs ..... huzzah! So .... it was getting near the end of my N. Coast Foray .... and I still hadn't found a bhg. My last chance to not be a total failure and a Global Laughing-Stock was on the drive back ... bound to pick one up along the coast road ... we stopped at various beaches, we pulled up at Point of Ayr, we carried on through coastal Flintshire, looked in at a few good spots ... nothing. So I just bloody well kept on going .... a sort of brinkmanship thing .... as I approached the Wales/England border I actually started to feel positive about it .... it takes some doing to spend almost 4 whole days on the coast ..and various other places ..and not see a single sodding bhg..... but then, 10 mins before my bluff was about to be called, 10 mins before we crossed over into England, 2 of the blasted things flew over the road right in front of us. It all felt a bit silly. We turned round at an English roundabout and went home. Adref. Oh ...and all that was why I've missed a few days of writing on here. You must have felt deserted and probably devastated. ..................... something's missing. At last, a refreshing, thrilling and groundbreaking new bird book. William Boldly and his Merry Men go whizzing round E. Stanglier identifying as many turds as they can in 24 hours . And here's the book that made it all possible .... well, a review of it, anyway. It appeared as one of the harticles in that scurrilous mag of mine about 57 years ago in the good old days when there were lots more birds but no way of actually identifying them ,only really useless books by aristocraps and Severe Benson with prefaces full of drippy stuff about Puffins and Robins and the like, and binoculars were so heavy, only circus strong men or wheelbarrow owners need apply. And I was neither. I feel the need to apologise for all the poop-puns in the review .. back in those days all jokes were based on sex and/or waste products .. that's just how it was. Why our "maker" put them so close together in our already badly-designed bodies I've no idea ..some sort of gormless joke I expect. As if we hadn't got enough to cope with already. ! So .... order your copy now ... and the accompanying video of course ... and some rubber gloves and wet-wipes as well. Then you can follow in their footsteps and ass-emble your very own bird-turd-list. I know I will. Now ...here's a relevant song ... and it's got lots of "nature" in it too .... I hope my older readers will remember who Severe Benson might be, and where the name appears ! It could become another of my go-to characters on here ... tempting ! I also hope that when the first big rarity is discovered from its turds the headliner in the Sun will be " Poop-Scoop!" All we have to do is wait. |
AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
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