Hey ... I didn't know there were "other" front covers. I've specially saved this up for the 100th post. Like many people of my age, I was discomclobberificated by this book. It hit me like a tank ! A tank full of new perspectives .... a Tank of Liberation !!! Up till then, I had been a specky four-eyed serious scientific survey-doing, bird-counting, behaviour-noting twonk. Just reading the foreword .... called " The author's foreword" was a right kick up the arse. He slags off boring, arrogant, pedantic, selfish birdwatchers. He points out that loads of "loonies" take up birdwatching. He points out that lots of "bird books" are written by people who know nowt about it. He gives Jonathon Livingston Seagull a right kicking ( Yes !) He implores lots of birdwatchers to pack it in ... there's too many of them. He also points out that birds and birding bring out the worst in people. He hits almost every nail bang on the noddle. The illustrations are brilliant. It's full of anarchic ideas. It was breath of fresh air to many of us. Nearly every copy of it I've ever had has fallen to pieces. It only cost £1.50 There's a whole chapter about " brightening up a dull day." And about covering up your disastrous mistakes. A whole chapter helps you to work out what sort of birdwatcher you are. There's revelations about the length of your binocular strap. But that's enough about my attitude to it ... here's two "good" and two" critical" reviews of it .... and it must be said, there was a lot of criticism from some quarters at the time.... but not from me. !!! I bloody loved it. It changed my life. [A] This book is for the fanatic and about the fanatic. It is not about birds. There is a description on what a 'birder' should be called and who will sneer at them by using the term. This is subject matter throughout. It is amusing and a great buy if you are a twitcher or some other list ticker'but there is nothing for those that like to actually watch, rather than spot, birds. As someone interested in the birds themselves, and not 'birder fanciers' or whatever, I found the book superificial, childish and totally uninteresting. Buy this if you want to laugh at people that spot (is 'spot'the permissible phrase) birds, especially if this is you. [B] Very funny and most of it true, probably. Heaps of information about people who are involved in bird orientated pass times. The two main categories are "birders" and "twitchers" though Bill does refer briefly to "ornithologists" and "dudes". "Bird watcher ... is not the correct term." The correct one, "birder", refers to folks who go out looking for birds and involves "ruggedness" and athleticism". So what's a person who watches birds from the comfort of their living room arm chair then? That's me. Persona non grata in the vocabulary of birders and twitchers. This book serves as both a guide and a warning - a bit like a hand book on drugs (I imagine). Don't do it! But if you must do it, you'll need the following clothing, equipment, mentality and so on. If there was ever any danger of my drifting towards a life of birding, then degenerating into a mad twitcher, this book has saved me. Who would want to be "gripped off" by some smug neurotic in a grubby anorak? What bird lovers would mercilessly chase rare (in this country at least) birds that have been blown off course and accidentally landed in Britain, when all the poor little beggars want, is to catch their breath and get their bearings? No, I'll stick with watching my garden birds and recording what I see on the garden bird survey form. Thanks Bill. [C] Unfortunately the book was not factory sealed and wrapped and the cover is slightly damaged ! But it was only a penny so not worth complaining to the supplier about ! Also not as the picture , but black cover ! [D] There are few books that we can truly say affect us throughout our life. My personal list include Lolita, Heart of Darkness, Quo Vadis .... and Bill Oddie's Little Black Bird Book. To say that it rocked my life's foundations would be an understatement. It unashamedly ripped me away from being a young impressionable young man perfectly content at watching a flock of "waders" wheel dramatically against a winter skyline, to now cursing the low sun because I can't get any feather detail on the end one that looks a "bit small for a Dunlin". This book is about birds and birders, but if you want to look for philosophical debate it will also tell you a lot about why certain people spot trains, collect Toby Mugs, or never miss a match neither home nor away for 23 years. But it's really about birds. If you're a bird-watcher you must read this book. If you're a birder, you already have. And if you're neither it'll turn you off bird-watching for ever, which as Bill says is no bad thing because there's too many of us already. So ... i say, if you've never read it, go on ... why not ? And if you have ... why not read it again. Now here's Wir sind Helden's beautiful song " Ein elefant für dich" totally live ...
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Whilst walking back from The Shredder's morning EOW (empty-out walk) I spotted this beautiful moth on the pavement. It looked as dead as The Dead Kennedys ..so I picked it up and took it home to photograph it. It's a Buff Ermine by the way. In the photo you can't see its wasp-patterned body ... good value. Birding and mothing go very well together. When I was a lot less collapsicated I would get up at 4:30 am, empty my own home-made moth trap, ID them all,have breakfast, then cycle in the morning cold to the local moth-and-ringing-place, ID loads of moths there and combine that with ringing lots of birds. Then I would cycle to work. I must have been mad. They are brilliant though. moths and birds. And my house " moth-list" is a lot longer that the bird-list. Anyhow, after it had been resting on that tin-lid for 10 mins or so, and had its photo taken, it started to wave its little legs around. So I took it outside and put it in a sheltered spot..... I'm a soppy old Hector. If you do decide to do a bit of moth-trapping in your garden, I promise you that you'll be impressed and surprised at the amazing stuff you'll catch. Plus cockchafers etc. Have you worked out yet why it's called The Empty-Out Walk ? I hope not. But here's an absolute stonker of a song ...and it's cleverly linked to the topic of this post ..... "Something in the night" ... Bruce Springsteen. Woahhh
Woahhh Woahhh Woah yeah Woahhh I'm riding down Kingsley, figuring I'll get a drink Turn the radio up loud, so I don't have to think, I take her to the floor, looking for a moment when the world seems right, And I tear into the guts, of something in the night. You're born with nothing, and better off that way, Soon as you've got something they send someone to try and take it away, You can ride this road 'till dawn, without another human being in sight, Just kids wasted on something in the night. Nothing is forgotten or forgiven, when it's your last time around, I got stuff running 'round my head That I just can't live down. When we found the things we loved, They were crushed and dying in the dirt. We tried to pick up the pieces, And get away without getting hurt, But they caught us at the state line, And burned our cars in one last fight, And left us running burned and blind, Chasing something in the night. Woahhh Woahhh Woahhh Woah yeah Woahhh So! I've shown you various odd lists on here ... just to remind you of one first ... List 1 Tree Sparrow Little Auk That's it ! ..... now here's a few more ... List 2 Treecreeper Goldcrest Common Crane Ring-necked Parakeet Water Rail Short-eared Owl Garden Warbler List 3 Green Woodpecker ( that's all of list 3) List 4 Treecreeper Goldcrest Grasshopper Warbler ( there's probably quite a few more on this list, but I haven't found out yet for certain ! ) Now ... I'm going to tell you what the four lists are all about, but I'm not going to tell you which is which .... that's your job. Should you choose to accept the challenge. Here's what the four lists are about... One of them is "birds I've only seen once from my house." Another is " birds I've kept in the freezer." Another list is of " birds I can't hear any more" Another is of " birds which I saw as dead bodies before I saw a live one." I think you'll be able to sort out which is which pretty accurately. The answers will be after the words of the song .... And after all that deep thinking and the like, here's Vetusta morla ... " Los días raros" ..... and before you say " Isn't it "las días" ? ... It isn't. Día is one of those rare Spanish words which end in "a" but are masculine. Ábrelo, ábrelo despacio.
Di qué ves. Dime qué ves si hay algo. Un manantial, breve y fugaz, entre las manos. Toca afinar, definir de un trazo. Sintonizar, reagrupar pedazos en mi colección de medallas y de arañazos. Ya está aquí ¿quién lo vio? Baila como un lazo en un ventilador ¿Quién iba a decir que sin carbón no hay Reyes Magos? Aún quedan vicios por perfeccionar en los días raros. Los destaparemos en la intimidad con la punta del zapato. Ya está aquí ¿quién lo vio? Baila como un lazo en un ventilador ¿Quién iba a decir que sin borrón no hay trato? El futuro se vistió con el traje nuevo del emperador. ¿Quién iba a decir que sin carbón no hay reyes magos? Nos quedan muchos más regalos por abrir. Monedas que, al girar, descubran un perfil que empieza en celofán y acaba en eco. One of them is "birds I've only seen once from my house." List 2 Another is " birds I've kept in the freezer." List 3 Another list is of " birds I can't hear any more" List 4 Another is of " birds which I saw as dead bodies before I saw a live one." List 1 Now this is one that I know really happened. And it's more serious than the ones I showed you last time. That's assuming that any of all this is "serious" in the" Great Scheme Of Things." You're given area to survey.. Your instructions are to walk for a certain time or distance through the area, keeping a record of all the birds you see. You might be given a specific route, or devise your own. So ... this particular surveyor, we'll call her "Minnie", gets given a moorland area to cover. Before she does the "real " survey, she goes on a bit of a recce to decide on a good route, representative of the area. Maybe she's given a specific route ,,,, but... She finds the area pretty empty ... not much to record really. She notices there are a few houses with gardens ...and bird tables ... in the area. There's quite a lot to tick off there... and not much anywhere else. So ... on the actual day, she doesn't walk the route at all. She gets in her car, and drives from one " garden full of feeders and birds" hotspot to another... and another.. Then, and only then, does she actually do any walking in the less bird-rich bits. This totally ignores the "protocol" that the surveyors are meant to be following. " So what ?" ..you might say. Well, here's what ... Let's say that Minnie's results are put into an "Atlas" -style publication. And let's say that 10 years later they repeat the survey to assess population trends etc. And when the new surveyor goes over "her" section the "proper" way, slowly, on foot, not whooshing from one hotspot to another in a car ... the results will be very different. Populations of Blue Tits, Great Tits, Wrens etc will have collapsed dramatically ! Those bird-packed gardens won't get the 5-star treatment, not to anything like the same extent anyway, but the moorland birds will seem to have rocketed in numbers . The whole bird population overview will be skewed dramatically. And I know that this has happened. I've mentioned before that I don't do surveys any more... and that scenario was the main reason why. Why would I waste my time doing things properly when the results were going to made meaningless by others who don't do things the same way ? Why indeed. Sometimes I can be a serious old Hector. Here's a hell of a song ... Massive Attack ... "Teardrop" This " added extra" is the answer to a question I'm going to ask in about a year's time .... it's the two birds I'm going to write about in a future article....
Here's another of those " Life Rules" of mine. " If I can think of it, somebody, somewhere will be doing it." Now you might think that's a bit cynical ... yes. But I suspect it's largely true. And I'm more than sure that lots of cheating at various different level goes on in the unreliable and dodgy world of " bird surveys." To be fair, often people don't even really think they're cheating. Let's take that RSPB " Big Garden Birdwatch" thing. There's loads of seemingly harmless things people do which are, in fact, cheating. [1] They start their " official watch"...then after ten blank minutes they say ,,,"er , there's not much going on, let's do it this afternoon instead." [2] They watch the garden in non-surveying mode, but when they see something good, they decide to start ! Subtle, but it's cheating. [3] They start quite well, but the birds dry up after 20 minutes. So they decide to do the rest later. [4] They count stuff that's flying 400m up in the air, and tell themselves that they can count it, because it might easily have spotted a mouse on the lawn and pounced on it. Yeah, right. [5] They decide that, although "their usual Jay" didn't turn up during the survey time, it's been in the garden for ages every other blasted day, so it's only fair to add it to the list! [6] They see a Wren .. then they see a Wren 20 minutes later ... and decide it counts as a "new" one because ... [1] it's obviously the "other one" of the pair. [2] it looks a bit smaller than the 1st one. [3] it looks a bit bigger than the 1st one. [4] one of its feathers is falling out. [5] it's got bird shit on its tail. [6] its song is a bit different. People have quite openly admitted doing some of those things ... and as I said above, I'm not sure they realised that it biases the results. Next time I'll tell you another really outrageous bit of swindling that I know has happened ... in a real, proper, Atlas-style survey!! So there. A week or so ago I bought, for the disastrous sum of 50p, an ancient book of Welsh poetry . It's called Y Pren Pêr and it's by Mary A. Richard. It was published in 1932 !!!! Crumbs ( = briwsion in Welsh.) But there there's also a few English poems in it.... they're bloody awful. Ace . And one of them is about The Nightingale. It's excruciatingly, toe-curlingly awful. It confirms totally and for all time my basic Rule of Life .... " All Bird Poetry Is Crap. " Here it is ..... try spotting the really really terrible bits from now ... and I bet you'll think ..... he's made this up like he did all those others by that Wavely Newt etc ... but no ...this is a real one. Cripes...... COMPOSED AFTER LISTENING TO THE NIGHTINGALE by Mary A. Richard Nightingale, sweetie Singing so sweetly Out in the forest height ; Warbling and singing With thy voice ringing Beautiful songs in the night. Oh! how I love thee, Dear little birdie, Singing thy songs of glee ; Praising thy Maker And thy Caretaker - Thou art so sweet to me. Guarding Thy birdie, And singing thy best, Keeping close vigil over her nest; Cheering the night With all thy might, To Thy belovéd and best. [ I think you should have a little break at this point to calm down ...] Father and Mother, One for the other, Never to disagree; Sharing, preparing, With her in bearing Little ones on the tree. Singing with power hour by hour in that moonlight night ! Filling with wonder Those who stood under Trees on that night so bright. Woeful and loathful while feeling so joyful Were we to part with thee ? Ever and ever Shall we remember That glee on Grove Farm tree. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now that was the most dreadful crap I have ever, ever read. Talk about being bereft of ideas, sense,truth, brain ...everything. No parody of mine could beat that. I might have go though. I'm ruthless, me. What we need now, apart from some way of erasing that heap of shite from our brains, is music. Something grand, beautiful, calming.... yes, it's The Mighty Fall and "Hit the North " .... Few people have ever even heard of the Unwanted Gimbo .. a species confined to the high Arctic wastes. The Inuit word "gimbo" means "a small bit of food" ..... and the Unwanted Gimbo is quite, er, small. So small,in fact, that it is unwanted. This is in contrast to it's larger counterpart, the Essential Jambo. So .... it was an incredible ( literally) surprise when, a few years ago now, I got a phone call from Mr G and heard the news that [a] one had turned up yesterday about 20 miles away and [b] it had been slightly injured and was being kept safely overnight and [c] it was going to be "displayed" and presumably released at a certain spot. That was interesting enough. But there's more. Over the evening various other callers relayed the news that the bird had actually been purchased at a cage-bird fair in the Midlands. Oo-er. But was it true ? It hardly matters .... everybody was going to go to see it.. [a] just in case ! [b] to experience the weird event..... oh yes !! Did me and Mr. G go ? ... of course we bloody did ! Did we see it ... of course we bloody did. It was all rather odd .. of course. There was a huge crowd there, for a start ...at least 100 people. Somewhere I've got a few photographs of them. And the Gimbo. Where they are is completely different matter. The "bird" and its handler paraded the UG ( Unwanted Gimbo... wake up there !) holding it in his/her meaty fist very ineptly in my humble opinion. Various feathers came off it and were quickly grabbed by souvenir hunters. After this undignified display, the bird was released and the rampant crowd of tick-grabbers, gogglers, girlfriends-of-gogglers and the rest of the assorted rabble followed it around various bushes, hedges, etc until it disappeared for good. Then the "finder" and "handler" drove off. There then ensued a long and interesting impromptu " post-mortem" on the event and the rumours surrounding the "source" of this incredibly unlikely find. What fun eh ? Except, of course, for the bird. And people dare to say that birding is boring and useless. What do they know ? This also raises questions ... [a] Was the rumour true ? [b] Is any of this article true ? [c] What does "Jambo" mean ? [d] Is the whole thing just made up to increase the readership ? [e] Is there actually a "readership " ? [f] Could " Unwanted Gimbo" be a real bird's name ? [g] Will I ever find those photographs ? [h] What language will be music be in today ? Well, in answer to question [h] , I've found a beautiful song in Inuit... so there ! I'm a persistent old Hector !
" Here's a classic muddle-headed idea ... in this case, it's an RSPB idea. They think that getting kids interested in " wildlife" at an early age will lead to them staying interested for the rest of their lives. Er ... I don't think so. Here's what kids tend to do with just about everything their parents/elders try to get them to do ... they despise and reject them, both at the time and for the rest of their lives. Oh yes. On the other hand, if you tell them NOT to do things, to keep away from the countryside, to keep away from ponds and fields and woods and mountains, not to pick up beetles and caterpillars ....that's just exactly what they will go and do later on . What the RSPB should really do is ... they should ban all young people from bird reserves, or "wildlife encounters" or whatever they'll be calling them after the latest "step change." Sales of optical aids, bird books, butterfly nets etc should be denied for all minors, full stop. Start today. Special TV programmes should be made showing the sheer tedium and stultifying boredom involved in the pursuit of birds, otters, weevils ... and throughout the programme we would watch "nature lovers" getting gored by bulls, garotted with barbed wire, electrocuted on electric fences, swept to their deaths in flash floods and pecked to pieces by huge swarms of marauding red kites. All the presenters would be total nerds, geeks and crap-headed turds , pressing flowers and creeping around churchyards photographing slime moulds and being battered to death by the vicar. That will make kids absolutely rabid to get into all of these situations for the rest of their lives. Come on you lot ... catch yer'sel on, as they say in Ulster. That's that sorted. Take that, all you vems " Visitor Experience Managers " Oh ...they really exist .... in the heart and soul of the RSPB. Crumbs And now, by public demand, another quick fix of "Jazz Club" ... and a special appearance by Donald Strong ! Lucky you !!! Nice ........... Here's a song about Wordsworth ( the poet)(in case you're wondering). You will find in it many of the trials and tribulations suffered by all of us in the world of Mother Nature, the conflict between the "domestic life" and the life of the seeker-out of nature's secret bounty. ... as well as the euphoric feeling of a new discovery.... and ... .... towards the end is an intriguing and rather tantalising "find" .... A song about Wordsworth
Now ole man Wordsworth, so they say, 'E loved to roam the 'ills, Wiv 'is butterfly net an' 'is botany book, An' a sixpenny packet o' Wills. (Wills ... a type of cigarette) An' when 'e come 'ome in the twilight, You'd 'ear 'is missus cry : " Now Willie, me lad, where the 'ell 'a you bin?" And Willie' e'd reply : "I've been looking for daisies : A daisy drives me wild, An' whenever I see a primrose I giggle just like a child." Then 'is wife says, " Chuck yer kiddin', I can't swaller that stuff - The only daisy that tickles you Is a bit o' mountain fluff." One night 'e come 'ome extra late Wiv 'is eyes all glowin' bright An' 'is wife says, Where you bin to, mate, T'come 'ome this time o' night ? An' Will 'e answers 'er promptly, " I'm nearly orf me 'ead, For I've found another new kind o' bird" - But 'is missus ups and and said : " You and yer bloomin' daisies, An' yer different kind o' bird, Is about the fishiest story Wot ever I 'ave 'eard, "Op off, then, back to yer 'ill-tops An' yer innocent nature-stuff - An' I'll warrant the bird that sings to you Is a bit o' mountain fluff." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Of course, there are the obvious questions ... What was this mysterious " new kind of bird" ? And what exactly did he mean by " another " ? Were there other, previously found and unmentioned new species ? Which "'ills" did he actually go up that evening ? And other evenings ? The birding fraternity needs to know. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At this point, I must thank the author J B Morton for bringing this song to our attention in his magnificently researched book " Beachcomber : the works of J.B. Morton" .... Well, what a turn-up ! This very morning I got an email ( [email protected]) from top poetry expert/critic/pundit Professor Stavely Forthright . It's all to do with those Wavely Newt poems I put on here a few posts ago. In particular, this one ... and my response to it.. Swooping between the swaying trees he she or it their partner sees each feather shines, each eye it glows lustrous are its gleaming toes down it now glides in scything arc upside-down it grips the bark clutching tight with lusty claws knowingly it gnaws ... and gnaws. Prof F. was highly critical of my rather casual attitude the the poem, especially my "trivial" insistence on the surrounding hoo-hah as to which actual species Wavely is referring to. Prof Forthright feels that this belittles the whole opus and has hijacked the entire poem. His main attack, though, is based on his idea that I have " totally missed the point" of the entire poem ... of Wavely's "Entwicklungpunckt" ( "evolution-point" or perhaps "development-point"). His contention is that Wavely is showing us a "moment of evolution" whereby a species of Woodpecker evolves into a type of proto-Nuthatch. Of course, the poet "knows" that this does not actually happen mid-swoop, but he has cleverly "telescoped" the whole process into one glorious microsecond of evolutionary time. Well, what do you think, readers ? Is Wavely really condensing thousands of years of evolution into a "micro-moment" or is he just "winging it" and going with his innate poetic flow ? I know what I think !! And now I know what Prof F. thinks as well. Sorted. But what, if anything, does Wavely Newt himself have to say about it ? I await your input, as the Actress said to the Bishop. And the music is sorted too ... it's another top belter from The Joy Formidable... "Cradle" ...... I can't see he says what he means I can't say what he means when he says That I'll pretend, I'll pretty pretend When all I want to see is the end of this I can't see he says what he means We'll deal him stick and stones and apologies I wish, oh, I wish it was through Split the scars, get up off your knees Just lift the marks to new found kinesis I'll pretend, I'll pretty pretend When all I want to see is the end of this I wish, oh, I wish I wish the cobwebs would cover me Cover me, cover me My vicious tongue cradles just one My vicious tongue cradles just one My vicious tongue cradles just one My vicious tongue cradles just one My vicious tongue cradles just one My vicious tongue cradles just one My vicious tongue cradles just one But ... chew on this, Prof. ... I know what the mystery species actually is !
And it's not a woodpecker or a Nuthatch. so there. |
AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
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