Some time ago a rarity description of a Black Stork supposedly written by someone who might soon become the "Pry Mincer" got leaked .... and I put it on here in the interests of, er, comedy. If you are one of the three people who haven't read it, it's on the other end of this clever link ... 196-from-the-rarity-committees-files-joris-bohnsons-black-stork.html And now, at this crucial time for our beloved country, another one has mysteriously appeared .... yes, he's "seen" another rare bird .. and here's his submission to the BBRC read on .... in case you don't know, that stands for .. The Bewildered Bird Rejection Committee That's what I call it anyway..... don't mean anything by it old chaps, buy you a snorter down at the Duck and Trumpet next time you're down here... anyhow, here's what I, er, saw... it's jolly old J. B. here by the way.... Well,, blimey, spending a bit of time at the pater's mega-mansion, don't y'know, what, with, er, never mind who she was, not, er, relevant, in the circs, hurrrrumph, so there was this bird, no, not that sort, the other sort, on the jolly old lawn, 3-acre job that one, and a bally ha-ha half way across the thing, caught out a few times with the blasted thing, too many bracers most likely, not the first time I've had a bird on the lawn, see what I mean, eh, keep it to yourselves what ! No names, no paternity suit what ? You'll be wanting a few facts, routine stuff, er, not too hot on facts actually, do me best, tally-ho, well, it was about the size of ,er, how can I put it, Goldfish-Govey's head, probably the best comparison, legs, yes, got them, medium size, sort of Thatcher-May hybrid,but with the knees round the back, always wondered about that, seems a bit odd. You'll be wanting to know about its face I dare say, hold on a mo, up at the front as usual I expect, thin sort of pasty thing, short of a few meals at the club I wouldn't wonder, Rees-Moggish look about it, startled, yes, beak , ooh-er, must have had one, a bit north of the face, best bet,thin sort of job, bit like old Wiggers at Balliol, what about that time he got through the Vice-Chancellor's cat-flap, takes a bit of nerve that, got to hand it to him, sent down though, finished up with a first eventually, stern letter from the pater I would imagine. I've got that feeling I always get when I'm on the spot a bit, you know, thinking there's something missing, which reminds me of old Stinky Stodgeworth, one of my tutors at Eton, we used to nick his chalk off his desk while he wasn't looking and he would go raving bonkers and give out detentions left right and centre, and then one of us would pick the right moment and stealthily put in back where it came from. The silly old sod would apologise profusely and excuse us all ...he never worked out what was going on . What days, eh ! Hold on hold on... there's something missing .... have I done the legs ? And talking of legs, which I probably was, what about, er,hold on, better not carry on on with that one, bit dodgy these days, hang on ! I know .... two of the things ! Phew ... just about sorted that bit. I've missed out the wings, that's the thing. And the back. And the front for that matter, better not call it the breast, phwoooar, sticky wicket that one,scrub that, don't y'know, give it a wide birth and all that, hang on, is it berth ? Er ..... well, you lot can pick out the right one, you're the bally experts when all's said and done, and anyway, it had wings, because it flew off , and if it had a front , which it did, it must have a back as well, so that's all sorted out. All shipshape and Bristol fa.... hold on, steer clear of Bristols old chap, steady the ship, nearly got it all sorted out ...... Hah ! Tail !! Well, er, can't say I spotted it. But it must have had one, so that's just about wrapped it up. Which, now I come to think of, is what happened to old Stodgworth on the last day of term, we wrapped him up in brown paper while he was asleep, rather early in the lesson for him, and posted him to New bloody Zealand ! Worth every penny. Well, it was old money then, £1 2s 8d as far as I remember. Postal Order job of course. There we are then .... and I'm depending on you to come to the right and proper decision. Us Old Bailliolers ... hang on a mo, that can't be right ... Old Bailliolions, no, I know, Old Balliolographers .... well, whatever we're called,we need to stick up for each other, that's the spirit, what ! And talking of tails, I could tell a few tales about you lot, might get leaked to the Sunday papers, don't want that sort of thing now do we, if you know what I mean. And I should know! So, just mull that over, what ! Hang on ... maybe it's wide burth ?? ! I know..... I'll cheer myself up with one of my favourite bally songs ....
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AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
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