This was the aftermath of one of my " Poetry Readings" at the El Morocco Tea-Rooms in deepest Soho ... As usual, at the end of a hundred no doubt wearisome, overlong and meandering articles full of tripe, trumpery and twaddle, I'm going to drive you all round the twist by reminding you of all the cack "verses" I have "composed" along the way. And here they are ..... This one was on post #402 ......
Well... I'll tell ou straight awa .... there's one particular letter which simpl isn't anwhere in toda's article .... esterda's thing was trul lovel, but this one is unrul, sill and waward. The rest of the ear will be fine ...... the dodg " " on m keboard will be back to working properl. Apparentl .... hpotheticall ! I saw a ellow Wagtail esterda It was fling and grating, as is its wa, So far awa it was, it looked so tin, But sadl, it smartl fell into the brin. The brin 's also deadl to the Tern As the Soot and the Roal all will learn If the stra too closel to the waves the too will bell-flop to water graves ! Ever Ja , though very smartl dressed Regrets the da he tangles with a Veer Who ever time is going to come out best And the brightl - plumaged one will suffer dearl . Sklarks, a clums , nois tpe of bird, Take to the sk , to reach a loft height. When there, he sings a wisp, wimp song and fortunatel , doesn't sta there long ! Rubthroats on Saturda s oft appear The fl across the brin on the Frida But on arrival, man a wear tear is shed because the rarel live till Sunda ! The Wrneck and the Grfalcon alike sound gruff and grump like the Great Gre Shrike their popularit will slump, and rapidl , if the don't get their " " back prett smartl ! B now I've prett much run out of juice This missing " " thing's reall too abstruse Mabe "d" would be a wiser wa , Or birds from wa awa like Mandala ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm sorr that I ran right out of puff it's trick writing all that craft stuff I'll tr to make the next one reall nift but I expect I'll hardl reach verse fift ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Readers ... I thank ou for our patience. And if ou weren't patient ... I smpathise. Trul . Deepl . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ..and this lot is from post 410 .... a varied bunch of bird-related limericks .... Some of these are actually "true" .... and that's a rare thing ... .. and unusually, I've given each one its own title... [1] Bruce hits the deck A birder, remarkably fat in our Bird Club meeting was sat his chair smashed to pieces, the audience, in creases as he rolled on the floor like a prat ! [2] Mothing beats Waxwing ! My favourite bird is the Waxwing But what does it rhyme with ? Nothing ! I should pick another But it's too much bother I think I'd be better off mothing ! [3] Low-lister pisses on his chips ! There once was a man from Porthcawl Whose list was pathetically small so he bought some binoculars and soon he caught up-with-us BUT WE DIDN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL ! [4] The longest bird in the whole wide world There's a bird called the Western Gray-Headed Puff-Back Flycatcher, if you can credit it, it's the longest-named bird in the whole of the world, and if you don't agree, you're a half-wit ! [5] ..and its rivals ... ( There's also some Birds of Paradise that are the same length, which is nice, you're unlikely to tick-em whatever your stratagem And I'll tell you why ... it's the price ! ) [6] The elusive bishop .... The Anomalous Bishop is not on my list I've tried and I've tried, but I've always just missed I've been to the places Where some have seen traces So "off" I am thoroughly "pissed." !! [7] Two calls is not enough... The Equivocal Babbler's hard to find as well, it has two calls, the "tinkle" and the "bell" I know every wrinkle of both Bell and Tinkle but have I seen one... have I hell ! [8] Drawbacks to living for ever.... and a solution ! If I could live for ever, and for eternity I would have the longest list, well, eventually, but perhaps it would get boring and then, I'd start imploring God to send me up that magic "disappearing tree" ! [ but would I "get" the Ovenbird that you can see from up it ? I might not see it from the top then I'd be a muppet ! ] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is from post #438 .................. 'ere's an elevating ditty for you to admire ... or not. Te Sag's a bird you see from sips and te Wincat as is bus. The Obby flies as if e floats and Erons wade in slus. The Sore Lark as a selly beac the Stonecat as is eath. Searwaters fly way out of reac the Awfinch as no teet. And wat about the ansome Coug ! Te Selduck and te Ciffcaff ? Te Redsank by te sea so roug, Their life's no kind of laug. Tey all long for a oliday, to some distant place to sally in wic tey'll sleep and play all day in a rigt pos seaside calet ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Not one of my best, but at least it represents a point of view. It could be a new motive for " T'Mystery of Migration" Extra verses in a similar vein will be welcomed at [email protected] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This next ( very short) one needs a bit of context ..... There we were .... the King of Bryher and me, swilling cocoa at Grumbling Stumps. He was quite affable, which was a bonus ... but then, he struck me with a zonker ... .. and here it is .... What is the only West Pal Passerine which has only 10 tail feathers ? Ouch!! That came out from left field ! And I wish he's left it there. Mind you, it's a pretty useless bit of knowledge. Back in my ringing days I might possibly have known. It hardly gets a passing mention In that ringer's book by Svensson ! He doesn't highlight its uniqueness Which goes to show its incompleteness ! If he'd said lots more about it I would not have looked a Twit !! (Their proper name is rectrices which sounds like some fatal disease. ) So, readers both ... what is that rather unique and tail-feather- deficient passerine ? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This next one was stuck onto the end of a thing I wrote about Spring . Post 466 it was..... Spring hasn't really got going until you get to see Swift, Swallow and House Martin all in the same binocular view .... harder than you might think, especially last year when the swallows never really turned up ! When Spring has well and truly Sprung and Swallow, Swift and Martin fly and life is strong in heart and lung to see all three in't bins I try. It's not as easy as you think the sodding things, they whizz around and come and go in a half a wink the little beggars can't be found. Your bins get heavier by the min your neck feels like its going to snap stuff this for a lark, you're thinking this Spring thing's all a load of crap. Then as you're just about to flee For half a sec they're in your sights You've done it, the "Essential Three" Spring's here at last, and its delights ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ... as always, thank you for your kind attention. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This next one went on the end of post 473, where I rambled on about Global Warming and what the Dad's Army lot would do about it ...... but it ended up on this positive (?) note ... Global warming, global warming Oh how those Little Swifts are swarming As we have our fourth ice-cream Perhaps of Trogons we shall dream We'll watch the passing Frigatebirds As we recycle all our turds. My list will get so long that .. oh! I just might get to see a Drongo A thing I never thought I'd do. Just a mo ! a Cockatoo Has just this minute nicked my hat. Aha ! What's this one flying in It's just a flaming Francolin. The East Coast Akolat's quite rare But I've just spotted 5, so there. But without transport can we twitch ? There had to be a blasted hitch ! And riding bloody bicycles Will ruin all our testicles And that will mean no reproduction .... Hey .. I think that might be the solution !!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This one was tacked onto the end of post 495 ...... which somehow drifted onto the topic of birds having crests/soldiers wearing big hats ...... ... all that being a way of demonstrating power and dominance ... ..... but it can work both ways ..... .... and, of course, a scrap can be cathartic too as well as tragic. ... so ...here is the verse, for better or worse . Some birds have a crest To look their best Like soldiers have hats And we know that that's A clever trick, to make us fear Their fighting skills with sword and spear They look much bigger than they really are Like the spikes on a helmet and the wings on a car Throughout evolutionary history It's worked for them, and it works for me ! But just a mo ! That showy bluff Could lead to fisticuffs and stuff And that would be an awful shame So maybe there's a different game ? No! that's a load of softy crap What we like is a bloody scrap - Actually and metaphorically And, of course, cathartically, And very evolutionary. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
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