Another bulletin has come in from Elric Hardly, one of the few "proper" all-round "naturalists" probably in the whole world. Who can forget his unforgettable broadcasts on Radio Liverpool, each lasting 7 hours without a full stop ? Who, I ask myself, could top his discovery of a new Rotifer for Skelmersdale, Lancashire, England, The UK and the World, Tergiraptus hardliensis ? Anyway, here it is .... in all its glory. Well, unlike all those jumped-up professors and so-called experts, I've been out all night on my specially-equipped bicycle collecting bat droppings from every 1km square with 30 miles of my house, which of course I very rarely actually live in what with all my important work , not only with bats, anyway, I of course had my portable microscope with me in the shopping basket ( no doubt invented by mega-corporations to tempt the run-down workers to spend more and more) and now, by the dawn sunshine,I'm having a look through them and identifying all the microbial life within them, which by and large have been neglected by mainstream " scientists" with their degrees handed to them on a plate in the rotten so-called education system where anyone can get qualified armed with only a marker pen and a text-book,and influential friends, obviously, and they will of course chuck the worn-out marker pen into the nearest water-course thereby inevitably causing the painful and drawn-out death for some poor hedgehog or stoat, which, incidentally, I have been surveying over the last 18 years and produced startling results which have been largely ignored by the "official channels" who are only interested in going on free jaunts abroad where they can lounge around at conferences and get off with manky women every night, which is a well-known fact, and I've found some very rare ones which my so-called "superiors" would never have found by looking out of the windows of their ivory towers and looking down at the subjugated masses toiling below like ants, which, by the way, I'm on the verge of a breakthrough with, having found out exactly how it is that they find their way back when they're so low down, and it's not scent trails as was previously thought, because I've tried to deceive them by applying powerful alternative scents on their trails which do not prevent them returning which has overturned the whole theory, well, it would have done if it had ever got published which of course it won't be what with reputations being at stake but I'm not bothered, the truth will out , the downtrodden will be restored to their rightful status, maybe, blimey, I've been getting through those microbial slides ,mind you, I've had to take refuge in an abandoned and rather smelly bus shelter which has slowed things down a bit, anyway, I've found a fine specimen of the fortunately rare Capitator megabosciensis, unknown north of Swindon up to now, as is clean drinking water, fair rents, ice cream and flushing toilets but I'm not going to rant on about all that, I'm straight off to Skelmersdale University which is the only place I'm allowed into with a laboratory at the moment, all because I got caught out in all this "Me Too" stuff when all I was doing was taking the opportunity to comb out a rare Flea species from this young lady's hair who was sitting in front of me on the University Bus, full of halfwits, drug addicts, dribbling fools and "Sports Students" and before I knew it I was carted off by the "Politically Correct Squad" and now Skem is my last resort, rather like Blackpool but without the so-called "fun" , hang on, here's the bus, hold on a mo mate I've got a bike to get on , oh, blast, I suppose I'll have to bike it there now, hang on, where's me microscope, you can't trust anybody these days,bloody peasants ...... [ The tape runs out at this point, which is indeed a great shame ...] And now, appropriately, here's "Time for Heroes" performed by Pete Doherty of The Libertines, with Neil Young's " Out on the Weekend" as well..... they both sort of "fit"
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AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
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