Ages and ages ago, I was told a joke ..here it is ... Recently a man with no arms and legs swam the English Channel ... what was his name ? Here's a jolly picture to stop you seeing the nifty answer too soon ... Yes... the obvious name for that armless & legless channel-swimming bloke is ... CLEVER DICK ! BUT ..... even though I've known that joke for ages, I never spotted a vital flaw in the logic of it. And yet it's so obvious ..... If he was dick-propelled, he would not only have a very slow and tricky journey, he would also have to do it backwards ! Feet first !!! That would be too much, surely ... backwards ? Feet first ? No way. .... all you men out there ... just think about it, and you'll see what I mean. ...... you women can think about it too, but you might not want to. BUT ..... Luckily I've managed to find a "fix" for it. .... so not only have I found the problem, I've fixed it as well. ....... just think ... what other means of propulsion could he use, which also allows him ( or her for that matter) to cross the channel facing forwards ? ( don't worry folks, there is a birding-related element to all this ... a bit later on.) I'll stop you seeing the answer too soon by using this ingenious trail of dots .... . . . . . . . . . . . What about fart-propulsion !! That way, he/she can face forwards and whizz along, face down or face up .... OK ... you'd have to change his/her "joke" name to Smart-Arse ! It still "works." ... and it probably would smart after 20 miles of parping !! They'll have to have a support boat full of fart-festering foodstuffs ... no prob. You can't help wondering if ducks and swans do it too ... even, say, Kingfishers when a quick burst of speed is needed. It's a thought. And you might also wonder ... where's the "birding" link to all this. Well, it's a little known fact that various seabird-monitoring groups have been trying to encourage channel swimmers to keep a list of the birds they see on the way .. after all, how many 10-hour sea-watchers are there ? BUT .... seeing as 90% of channel swimming has been face-down, very little data has been forthcoming. But ... now that fart-propulsion has been invented ( by me) not only could Smart-Arse do it facing upwards, but any channel swimmer could. At least, some of the time, to give their arms a rest. And they could get some valuable sightings done. And, Clever Dick could log his sighting, few though they would be, on his dictaphone ! Obviously !! But what could all those fart-propelled folk do ? Well ...even better, all those new Smart-Arses could log them on their Smart-Phones ! It all works beautifully. So ..it's win-win. And let's not forget .... in German, "Er fährt" means "he drives." Ho- ho ! Hey .. maybe "The Donald" could give it a go . Think about it . And as for music, here's Loudon Wainwright's " The Swimming Song" performed by Kate & Anna McGarrigle ... a jolly, deep sort of song .... This summer I went swimming
This summer I might have drowned But I held my breath, I kicked my feet Moved my arms around I moved my arms around This summer I swam in the ocean And I swam in a swimming pool Salt my wounds, chlorined my eyes I'm a self-destructive fool Self-destructive fool This summer I did the back stroke And you know that that's not all I did the breast stroke, the butterfly And the old Australian crawl The old Australian crawl This summer I swam in a public place And a reservoir to boot At the latter I was informal At the former I wore my suit I wore my swimming suit Oh, this summer I did swan dives And jack-knives for you all And once when you weren't looking I did a cannon-ball I did a cannon-ball This summer I went swimming This summer I might have drowned But I held my breath, I kicked my feet And moved my arms around I moved my arms around That comma in "jolly,deep" makes a difference. Without it,it makes it a lot more serious. Which it is.
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AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
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