At least my hair was better than his... what on earth has he done to it ? Thanks to this helpful harticule, you'll have all you need to invent ..sorry, write, your own Celebrity Birding Book..... woo ! Here we go then.... here's the plan. [1] Invent your infancy. [2] Invent your schooldays [3] Invent your friends .... and your enemies. [4] Invent your twenties. [5] ..and all the other phases of your life. [6] How you fell from grace. [7] How you fought back and became top again. So ..here's my very own " for instance" to set you on the right track .. ... but remember ... your life could well have been a bit different to mine. ...... well, I hope for your sake it was anyway. ......... so you will need to adjust these phases a bit to fit your own dreary life. Chapter 1 My infant years, and how my parents ruined it. They insisted on treating me like an infant. Chapter 2 My pre-teen years ... and how my "friends" ruined it. Not that I had any friends. But Bird-Spotting got me through it. Even though I was deprived of any equipment. And there was nowhere to go. But for a few weeks I did have a "girlfriend" called Edith Crow. Was it her name that confirmed my destiny ? Interlude How moving over the Pennines to Widnes ruined everything. Especially as Widnes was and is a birding disaster area. And I lost the few friends I never even had in the first place. But reading The Observers Book of Birds got me through it. And looking at the pictures. Chapter 3 My miserable years at Wade Deacon Grammar School, Widnes. And how having no friends made me stronger but stranger. And the games teachers called me Rosemary. Because I had long hair ... it was very beautiful. But I didn't cut it. That showed the bastards. And my father wouldn't be seen with me in public. That lasted for only about 25 years though. I decided I was the reincarnation of Richard Jefferies. Him and birdwatching got me through it, but scathed. And how I very nearly didn't go to University. But that's another story of startling brinksmanship. But I did win the Natural Sciences Prize. And the prize money got me some proper bird books. Chapter 4 The University Years .... now binocularised. Including "How Marriage Ruined my Birding." And ... "How Birding Ruined my Marriage." But overall, it was the best bit of my life . Chapter 5 How jobs ruined my burgeoning urge to twitch. And how my burgeoning urge to twitch ruined my jobs. And how living in London was not good. It's horrible. And how having no car, no friends and no money ruined the lot. Chapter 6 I get older and older. But I DO get a car. And immediately start whizzing around ticking stuff. BUT ... I also get TWINS. Which stopped me whizzing around etc. And also used up all my money, such as it was. But ... I survived through it all, and did indeed see a few birds. But at least it gives me lots to write about. Chapter 7 The twins bog off but still cost me a fortune. And most of my holidays are spent ferrying them to and from their universities, which, of course, are at opposite ends of the UK. Bah ! Although, by adjusting those ferryings slightly, I did manage to tick quite a few rarities that just happened to be on the way. Well, not that far off. Chapter 8. I get kicked off Bruce's Nature Reserve. This casts a blight over my frail ego. I feel I have fallen from grace, through no known fault of my own. But it did teach me not to trust bulky bossy bastards any more. And over the years, I scraped what was left of my ego and spooned it back into my brain. Happy days ! Chapter 9 I get even older, and approach my impending and inevitable death with equanimity. But then .... I have an idea..... Chapter 10 I write a book about all that lot, and make a fortune, and become the very thing I have always ridiculed and despised... a celebrity. At last I can afford a telescope good enough for a top birder like wot I have become, and light enough for me to carry at he age of 89. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ok folks... all you have to do now is..... adapt all that to fit your own miserable upbringings, and write it all down with wit, perspicacity and a good helping of lies, falsifications, mendacity and fake news. Like I have just now. And I can truly assure you ... once you've got those headings.... you're off ! And if you're out there, Edith, why not leave me a comment. Or .. on 2nd thoughts ... maybe not. I'm not what I was !
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AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
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