Yep ...winter is upon us, and it lasts for bloody ever in this cold, dark, wet country. So, us birders, we need to keep ourselves busy to take our minds off the whole horrible thing. Maybe it will be a good year for, say, Bramblings. About bloody time. Anyway, here's my big idea ... why not get ready for Spring Migration by using the next 3½ months to build your very own Heligoland Trap ? Plus .... why tramp around in the cold and damp ? All the ones I've ever seen have been surrounded by sludge, exposed to howling gales ,and are lashed by rain, snow. and hail. They're also yonks away from kettles, cups of tea, coal fires etc. It seems to me they're specially designed that way. Loads of them are on tiny, treeless windswept islands, which for most of the year are effectively uninhabitable for all except the mad, bad or dead. You can circumvent all of that Spartanesque, Hermit-style crap. Why not use the structure you've already got... your house ! A terrific project for the whole family. It'll show your offspring lots of practical maths, physics and biology, plenty of visits to A & E which will keep them out of your hair for days of peace and quiet, and they'll come to respect your planning and organisational skills. And your wife will be even more desperate to get to bed early to stop you both from freezing to death. Ho-ho !! Win-win ! Here's your handy, month -by- month Heligoland timetable..... DECEMBER .... it's sales time, so this is the month to get in all your supplies ... timber, nails, screws, rawlpugs, wire netting ( often available free from local parks etc) ( see my brilliant and groundbreaking rant about park fencing) , ( 143-railings-round-the-park.html ), overalls, underalls, inbetweenalls, headalls, fingeralls,fingerstalls,bandages,liniment,splints,clamps,clips,secateurs,knives, cleavers, levers, splines splints, flints,germolene, antibiotics, pliers, hammers, , hampers,drills, extension cables, expensive tables, Aesop's Fables, spare fuses, first aid kits, emergency resuscitation kits .... sorted ! JANUARY ..... You'll need to knock down whichever end of the house is going to be the "entrance" ...from the bird's point of view ... then plant various shrubs etc around the edges. This will be great fun for all the family, and you'll have a much better view of either the back garden, or the road. No doubt the Lady of the House, if any, will witter on about getting the big rectangular hole covered up , and I suppose you could rig up a makeshift canvas-type thingy. FEBRUARY.... At the other end of the house, you'll need to make two new walls which gradually narrow down to where the catching box is going to be. This might involve moving the TV .... always a contentious issue .... but you'll have to be firm, pointing out all the positives you can think of, er, if any. Well, the room will be narrower, and snugger, and it will bring the family, or what's left of it, closer together. The room will also feel smaller because of all the tubs of shrubs you'll be lining it with. This will enhance the "family experience". February is of course the ideal month for all this, because it's short. MARCH .... nearly ready ! You'll need to clear all the "stuff" out of the rooms between the back one and the front one, it might be 50+ rooms( Joris Bonson's) or a mere 1 room ( Minnie Mouse) and get more Tubs-and-Shrubs to fool the birds into thinking that they're not in your house. You'll probably feel that way too by this time ... your wife will have gone weeks ago, and your kids will have been taken into the care of the local authority and be eating proper meals in an actual functioning building... but never mind all that ...any time soon you'll be catching your first Wheatear* ... and it will all have been worth it. APRIL .. the 1st of April is the ideal day to get your Heligoland Trap into action. The family's out of the way, some in care, some in hospital, some in asylums, and you're king of all you survey. Soon you'll be sending in details, ring numbers, lengths, widths, ages etc and then they'll all be on a national database for researchers all over the world to access. After all, we really need more details about the weight of the average House Sparrow on April 1st don't we ? Well worth it I reckon. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Tim Buckley ... "Once I was ... " * Well, for the average householder, Wheatear is pretty unlikely ... you'll probably find yourself measuring Blue Tits and Starlings. They both are good at pecking big holes in your fingers. But never mind ... I'm sure you've done the right thing.
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AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
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