Yes, sure enough, yet another book has arrived on my desk in the vague hope that I'll tell you about it, and indeed here I am telling you about it. The first thing that struck me was the title .. " Faraway Birds." No,hang on, the first thing that struck me was the drone that delivered it. Some sort of publicity stunt I suspect ... the drone was a mechanical Gyr Falcon. It broke into a thousand tiny pieces. The drone, not the book. Ah yes, foreign trips, dusky maidens, forays into the jungle, mysterious swamps, desert safaris ... all the wonders of foreign travel. But actually, no. It really is about birds that are, er, far away. Sometimes over a mile away. The book is aimed at those forgetful twerps who are forever forgetting their binoculars, or losing them, or both. Or those idiots who look through them from the wrong end. It's crammed with pictures of every bird on the UK list, but, a long way off. Because without your forgotten bins, that's exactly what they are. And for those of you who have forgotten your scope as well, there's a specially-for-you picture of each species bloody miles off... A long way off. As an example of the format, there's a fine Parula Warbler, deep in the vegetation and about 40 metres away. You can hardly see the stupid thing ... but it's the only view you're going to get, you absent minded old prat. There's a few similar pictures, then a couple for the "no-telescope" numpties which are very very very far away. Many species have several pictures like that .... there's quite a few of various species of geese, some miles away on salt-marshes or fields, some way way up in the air .. reduced to dinky dots. Then there's lots of wader flocks, which, as we all know, are always 743 metres away in a heat-haze... and they're exactly the pictures you get in this groundbreaking tome. But not only that .... for each species, there is a helpful set of id hints and tips for those far-away objects. Priceless. Plus, tucked away in a little pocket at the back there's a CD with all their songs and calls .... all a long long way off of course, let's not forget the mission of the book, pretty faint, but if you are one of the forgetful halfwits we're talking about here, that's exactly what you need. Slipped into the book, there's also a thin folded piece of fluorescent orange card, with " DON'T FORGET YOUR OPTICS, YOU GORMLESS OLD PRAT" written on it in huge black letters ,which folds out out make a giant notice you can stick on the inside of your front door. Probably one of the most useful things in the book I reckon. If you are one of those gormless old prats ... this is the book for you. Here's the Be Good Tanyas with another of their sleepy-dreamy songs .... "A Thousand Tiny Pieces." Just play this one out until it explodes into a thousand tiny pieces What's your story, universe, you are melody in numbers You are shapes, you are rhythms, there are signs that we can learn To place over the heavens, to predict how long we'll burn How long will I last, can I turn up the heat? What star am I circling, what's circling me? Now my ebb and my flow, my lack of control Turning on, turning off Saying yes, but playing no (guitar solo) Things keep changing (instrumental) Just play this one out until it explodes into a thousand tiny pieces What's your story, universe, you are melody in numbers You are shapes, you are rhythms, there are signs that we can learn To place over the heavens, to predict how long we'll burn How long will I last, can I turn up the heat? What star am I circling, what's circling me? Now my ebb and my flow, my lack of control Turning on, turning off
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AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
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