You might not think it's a good idea, but I don't care. But I'm horribly concerned that some of you might not have read them all. I'm not entirely sure that I've read them all. But I did write them..which is probably better. You'll probably be irked to find out that Wavely Newt etc were all actually me. And Geraldine Harkness-Green, and Elspeth Gwendoline Pargeter. I'm a devious old Hector This little verse must be learned by all medical students in their first week of study. It was specially written to be memorable ... for obvious reasons..... From many birds you can catch some horrible diseases Like the deadly Krots which buggers up your arms and kneeses And Lublub, Wems and Nilnud, which slowly rot your crutch Which make you a pariah, and dangerous to touch ! Ekawittik is a nasty one, which you catch from arctic birds You get it off their feathers and it leads to painful turds Whilst Ognimalf, a deadly curse, Does just the same but much much worse. From larger birds you'll get the Yerpso A mix of diarrhoea and lumbago. Have I mentioned Elocnitarp ? It's like being skewered by something sharp Your skin goes scaly, like a carp. While Tooc, carried by many species Causes funny-coloured faeces ! It's obvious what Rotnecca does You only catch it from the dove People think they're very nice, but usually they're plagued by lice. In two days time your head falls off At least it stops that horrid cough. Worst of all, the dreaded Kua Because there isn't one Oh dea. I hope you all noticed the interesting thing about all those "diseases." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This next one is all about the Capercaillie.... Here's another ,in both senses of the word, dreadful chunk of "Noetry" by, er , me. ... but, in its defence, it is all, more or less, true .... I strode the forest, to and fro To track down that enormous "cro" Which is the rampant Capercaillie And which is valued mighty haillie. Meanwhile, he tries to plight his troth And crashes through the undergroth Most of which he then destroys And makes a most alarming noys. He really needs his spouse to conquer And ,therefore, to get to bonquer Without which she will have no young Her offspring , in effect, unsproung And nursery rhymes will not be soung And her bright spirit sorely stoung Then she will weaken, heart and loung Her heartstrings will become unstroung She soon unto her deathbed broung. I tried to tick the Capercaillie But dipped the bloody bird entaillie I blame it on the ecosystem Which meant I never got to lystem ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is from post 17 ... it's a feature about crap bird poetry ... not mine of course... Here's two more, they're by the 1920's bird-lover Elspeth Gwendoline Pargeter ( 1892-1931). See the robin on the bough I wonder what he's thinking now In the sky the birds all fly exuberantly, I wonder ... why ? The albatross ..ill-omen'd bird ! He neither sings nor says a word He is as silent as the sea on which he flies, eternally. O feathered friends, I love you so it saddens me when you must go. The little dunnock on its twig why is it not twice as big ? Or twice as small, or half as dull upon these things we all must mull but see ! The gentle kittiwake has eaten all our Christmas cake. See what I mean ... it's cack! Here's another one.. this time by Geraldine Harkness-Green ( 1906-1961) THE GANNET by Geraldine Harkness-Green. It swoops and steers above the wave and cares not for its steely tint it speeds its prey to gloomy grave its eye a thing of doom and glint haddock, mackerel, goby, sprat all shall perish, be sure of that as he dives with gleaming bill in amongst the teeming krill emerging from the surging sea triumphantly, triumphantly it speeds away to Skapa Flow on feathery wing, with eye aglow. ..the actual poem is a lot longer than that, but critics agree that was the best bit. As she honed her craft, she became more and more of a minimalist, and eventually, shortly before her death, the first acknowledged miniminimalist. ( to be truthful, I did actually "wrote" both of them.... just for a bit of fun) This one is about that prediction that just a 1 degree rise in global temperatures could cause a massive rise in sea levels ... I'm looking on the bright side here ... well, somebody's got to ... If only we warmed up a bit Our birding would be ace not shit Trogons, Parakeets and such Would turn our rubbish into much more interesting sorts of birds described in such exciting words Resplendent Quetzal ! White-naped Lory ! Wood-hoopoes in all their glory Mrs. Morden's Scops-Owl too and the Tropical Bou-bou Yellow-mantled Widowbird (That's Euplectes macrocurus) Rarely seen but often heard. Hawks, Broad-winged and Ferruginous would be skimming all aroundous and Ovenbirds and Chuck-wills-widows flying past our kitchen windows whilst the brazen Caracara eats a passing Chachalaca and the local Smooth-billed Ani snoozes in the Frangipani while Bewick's Wrens and Sparrows ( Chipping) slowly in the heat are slipping into their usual midday naps As we, exhausted, then collapse. But then, I think we soon would see It wasn't all it's cracked up to be They produce some crap prediction But we know it's mostly fiction. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here's a little collection from post 158 of what I called at the time " educational verses." ... judge for yourself... I thought you might like a few educational verses .... after all, the whole point of verse is that it makes things easier to remember, or if you like, harder to forget.... .. and first up ,here's a dinky bit of criticism .... The Blackcap's very interesting But not, I think, when it is nesting A sighting, though, in mid-December We're much more likely to remember. Yes, I think you know what we're getting at there. This next one is about the illogical names of many birds..... The cowbird has neither horn nor hoof Nor udders, which is surely proof That birds are named capriciously By halfwits, most illogically. You all know what I'm talking about there folks . So here's a good way of remembering what bird-namers ought ... and ought not .. to be doing ... Birds should be named by what they do Like the Dipper, Grouse and Loon, The Moa, Skimmer, Swan, Cuck-oo, The Bellbird with its ringing tune. But most are not, e.g. the Gannet Which flies ,widdershins, round fair Annet and the Ptarmigan, which does neither "Pt" nor "arm" nor "igan" either. And what about the Black-winged Stilt Which doesn't "winge" and doesn't "tilt" It "lacks" for nothing, especially "B" Its naming is a travesty. Worst of all, the Cormorant ! It's not a Corm ( a gardener's word) And not an Ant ( the thought's absurd) It's namer must be ignorant !! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is from post # 39 way back in April. And yes, I'm Dierdre Gosling and Stewart Seward I wrote about this idea of mine that ALL bird poetry is crap a while ago.... and showed you a few examples to prove my point. I asked you lot to find some more, and more have indeed come along .... Nightingales .... by Deirdre Gosling ( 1931 - 1957) Nightingales .. they fill the air with sweet melody, and care not who listens. Nor do they care for display, they hide away faraway. Nightingales .... they fill the night with fleeting notes, and light is their nemesis.... and so when light takes wing they sing . I know not why they please with such sad song. They sing for kings and commoners alike. Unlike the shrike. Some critics have suggested that Gosling ran out of ideas about half way through the middle verse. Her notebooks are apparently full of alternative lines and rather clashing symbolism. In the final analysis, this poem stands by itself, as do we. In complete contrast ,here's a far more "modern" poem .... it's still crap though ! At least you can tell a Seward poem a mile off... and run away sharpish. SKUA by Stewart Seward ( 1988 - ) skua skewer slayer skimmer hacker killer spewer schemer screamer dreamer diver over under rending asunder also auks sdrawkcab drawbacks wardscrab scrawbard rawbard raw bard auks uksa ksau sauk skua. OK ... there's a couple of "clever" bits... the auks/skua reversal bit, but really it's a one-trick pony. Seward wrote a lot of this sort of stuff, but though it caused a sensation at the time, his reputation has dwindled over the years. This one's from the end of July .. post 160 actually ... and it's the first one of those " odd rhymes" poems that I did. Being a terrible big-head, I was very proud of its "shear" silliness .... I used the same idea in that Capercaillie one right up at the top. There's no better bird than the Skua He's much better at flying than ua Mind you, he smells much like a sua Because he's a prolific pua. But he does have a certain allua Even if the reason's obscua. But nowadays there are far fua All because he's not much of a scrua ( He's more of a thinker than adua) But if you want top views of some Skuas When going on long ocean tuas There's nothing so totally truas The need for the best binocluas. But be warned ... there is no known cua For the powerful allua of the Skua ! Unless some entrepenua Invents something to stop it for shua ! Well, dear readers ... I hope you liked that as a 200th hearty-cool, and I'll surely be doing more of "that sort of thing" in future posts. And I hope I live long enough to get to the 300th ... and do another collection like that, but hopefully better, sillier and usefuller. Hey ... usefuller is quite a useful word. Usefuller than "uselesser " for example. And a lot easier to say.
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