Ages ago I wrote about various celebrities and their Really Rotten Rarity Write-Ups ... ..and here they are, now all in one amazing article .... [1] The Bewildered Bird Rejection Committee That's what I call it anyway..... don't mean anything by it old chaps, buy you a snorter down at the Duck and Trumpet next time you're down here... anyhow, here's what I, er, saw... it's jolly old BJ here by the way.... Well,, blimey, spending a bit of time at the pater's mega-mansion, don't y'know, what, with, er, never mind who she was, not, er, relevant, in the circs, hurrrrumph, so there was this bird, no, not that sort, the other sort, on the jolly old lawn, 3-acre job that one, and a bally ha-ha half way across the thing, caught out a few times with the blasted thing, too many bracers most likely, not the first time I've had a bird on the lawn, see what I mean, eh, keep it to yourselves what ! No names, no paternity suit what ? You'll be wanting a few facts, routine stuff, er, not too hot on facts actually, do me best, tally-ho, well, it was about the size of ,er, how can I put it, Goldfish-Govey's head, probably the best comparison, legs, yes, got them, medium size, sort of Thatcher-May hybrid,but with the knees round the back, always wondered about that, seems a bit odd. You'll be wanting to know about its face I dare say, hold on a mo, up at the front as usual I expect, thin sort of pasty thing, short of a few meals at the club I wouldn't wonder, Rees-Moggish look about it, startled, yes, beak , ooh-er, must have had one, a bit north of the face, best bet,thin sort of job, bit like old Wiggers at Balliol, what about that time he got through the Vice-Chancellor's cat-flap, takes a bit of nerve that, got to hand it to him, sent down though, finished up with a first eventually, stern letter from the pater I would imagine. I've got that feeling I always get when I'm on the spot a bit, you know, thinking there's something missing, which reminds me of old Stinky Stodgeworth, one of my tutors at Eton, we used to nick his chalk off his desk while he wasn't looking and he would go raving bonkers and give out detentions left right and centre, and then one of us would pick the right moment and stealthily put in back where it came from. The silly old sod would apologise profusely and excuse us all ...he never worked out what was going on . What days, eh ! Hold on hold on... there's something missing .... have I done the legs ? And talking of legs, which I probably was, what about, er,hold on, better not carry on on with that one, bit dodgy these days, hang on ! I know .... two of the things ! Phew ... just about sorted that bit. I've missed out the wings, that's the thing. And the back. And the front for that matter, better not call it the breast, phwoooar, sticky wicket that one,scrub that, don't y'know, give it a wide birth and all that, hang on, is it berth ? Er ..... well, you lot can pick out the right one, you're the bally experts when all's said and done, and anyway, it had wings, because it flew off , and if it had a front , which it did, it must have a back as well, so that's all sorted out. All shipshape and Bristol fa.... hold on, steer clear of Bristols old chap, steady the ship, nearly got it all sorted out ...... Hah ! Tail !! Well, er, can't say I spotted it. But it must have had one, so that's just about wrapped it up. Which, now I come to think of, is what happened to old Stodgworth on the last day of term, we wrapped him up in brown paper while he was asleep, rather early in the lesson for him, and posted him to New bloody Zealand ! Worth every penny. Well, it was old money then, £1 2s 8d as far as I remember. Postal Order job of course. There we are then .... and I'm depending on you to come to the right and proper decision. Us Old Bailliolers ... hang on a mo, that can't be right ... Old Bailliolions, no, I know, Old Balliolographers .... well, whatever we're called,we need to stick up for each other, that's the spirit, what ! And talking of tails, I could tell a few tales about you lot, might get leaked to the Sunday papers, don't want that sort of thing now do we, if you know what I mean. And I should know! So, just mull that over, what ! Hang on ... maybe it's wide burth ?? ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [2] Here's another "celebrity bugger-up" ... Needless to say, like every other twerp in celebrity-land, Amil has shunted his talents into the birding sphere. I think his relaxed attitude, friendly demeanour and general all-round laid-back approach will inject a new fresh, git-led atmosphere to our cherished pastime. And as the destroyer of top pop band Soriasis he has the skills to stir things up a bit ...about time too. And ... he's found a rare bird ... or thinks he has. How would he know ? And ... he's sent his " description" to the BBRC ( Baby Arsy, he calls it) Yes, he's written it all up, sorted, right ? ..... Baby Arsy ..... you'd best read this or else..... Ok ? OK, I'm on it, listen up, I was out with me kids, don't mess with them mate, or you'll get a wack round the 'ed, fat bastard, anyway, took 'em to the park didn't I, good parenting, right, you arguing wiv that mate ? Eh ? yor up for a slap rarnd the 'ed so watch it mate.There's all these dopeheads after me ortograff, but I'm , like, piss off, and there's this bird, yeah, and I'm shitting meself, know what I mean, bloody bastard big thing, attitude, I know all abart that, me, so don't mess me around or I'll be rarnd your gaff sharpish with me mates, it 'ad 2 legs, that might 'elp you wiv it, and , 'old up, me eldest 'as got 'old of it, gerroff it Cheyenne or you-know-bleedin' wot, I hope you'se Baby Arsy lots lissnin or you'll not ave no neecaps left so think on ..... great big 'ed on it, bloody bonced up it was, totally bonced I fought, don't mess wiv it mate, I told the kids, leeve it, leeve it kids, snot wurf it if y'kno wot I meen, anyway, you lot in your swanky offisses droolin all over those tarted-up secret airy's you've all got, don't fink I don't kno abart it, you'se job is to tell me what the bastard is, and sharpish or I'll be rarnd your gaff tooled up, don't fink I carnt find it I can find owt me, I've got mates, right, leave it Cheyenne, tell you wot, fetch it over 'ere and I'll get a proper butchers at it, shite, you've ad it in the bleedin' pond you soft tart, look ,I 'aint got the time for all this ritin' an stuff, get it sorted art swiftish or bleedin' else. Don't say I've not told yer. Hey, I've just remembered it were right bonced up too .. 'ow 'ard can it effing be ? Well readers, if you were lucky enough to be one of the BBRC panel, what would be your decision, allowing for the fact that you had to get it "sorted" pretty " sharpish" or you would be "up for" a "slap rarnd the 'ed" at the very least ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [3] Another Celebrity Cock-Up Well ... phwooooar ! What a corker ! Cripes ! More of a Corker- Sort-er-Stork-er, what ? Big ! I'll say ! Corks ! A right whopper... remember that barmaid at Wynthorpe-Jegger's 21st ? No ... nobody else does either. Talk about whoppers !!! Tell you what ... just between you, me and the butler's mum ..... it was a big-un. Legs !! Miles long !! Stonkers !! Looked a bit like that bit of stuff ... used to clean my rooms at Balliol !! Poop-Poop ! Erk ! Hard to keep things in the old trousers sort of thing. Phwooaaaaar. Ding-Ding-A-ling. Details ! Cripes ??!! Yes, you'll be wanting, er, hang on a minute, what was I on about, wait a sec, got it , yes, no probs, details.... yes... not a "details"sort of bloke really, don't need it in my line of work, whatever, er, whatever it is, hang on , it's coming back to me, er, sort of, reminds me of me old mucker Trentby-Stinker, or was it Stinkby-Trenter, well, one of those, or something, he couldn't remember his own bally name, had a bugger of a time getting home after a bit of a binge down at Jollocks, so did I, come to that, never did find those trousers, but hang on, it was black and, er, white, yes, whatever you do, Joris, don't mention Minstrels, seem to think that might get me in a spot of bother somehow or other, yes, black bits, sure of that, and white,er,other bits, legs ... legs .. they deserve a bit of space on the old page, what, did Stinker-Trentby get his trousers back, no bloody idea actually, moving on, beak, big beak, yes, blimey, what a beak, couldn't help thinking about Beaky Bumface at Balliol, he was always in the Beak's office for something or other, usually the other actually as it happens, now what colour was the beak, wait a sec, it's coming, as the barmaid said to ..hang on, better not do that one, bit near the knuckle, nudge-nudge, Poop-Poop, a blind horse knows no secrets, what, Phooo--aaaaahr !! Corks ! Sorry, sorry,sorry, nodded off a bit there, Moooooo Moooooo, whose party is it, must slip across the bally room and have a word, no no, hang on, beaks.... red. It was red, yes, hold on, jiggers, the legs were red too ... bloody long as well, I'm telling you, no word of a lie, that Brigitte Barcode or whatever she called herself, Wowsy-Trousers, she had legs. Phwooooaaaar! And the rest, hold on, rhymes with rest, no idea actually, mustn't think about them at the minute, we don't want any more Trouser-Trombone-Trouble, anyway, hold on, you'll need to know what it sounded like, sort of old-gaffer noises, grrrrfff, do it myself during the old rumpy- pumpy, blimey, better cross that out, gasping sort of noise, ooo-er missus, clattery noises too, makes me think of poor old Rupert Crust- Heverington that time he fell off the silly billiard table at the Dorkington, lots of clattering there, rolled him outside onto the pavement I reckon, best thing ... not seen him since actually, now, where was I, or, raaaather, where was it, nearly there, woof-woof, oiks, no bloody clue there, hold on, hold on, lakes, I've got 7 or so on the old shaky-pater's grounds you know, which one, that's the thing, got, it, got it, just a minute, er, one of those, you know old chap, the one where bloody Steggers-Stumpington jumped in starkers ...never seen him since either, odd thing, but that's where it was, up to its legs, grrrr, legs, yes, no, er, hang on, can't be er crumbs quite er right, oourrrhhuuuurhhhhhh..................................................................................... pwwwaaaaaaaaaaar... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hope you enjoyed those ... it's always good to see others making a mess of things. BUT ..who were those crappy bird-spotters ? And what were the birds ? Two of them were the same person. And one of them was a different person. And now...... some music ..... woo !
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AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
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