That's him up there .. The Flat Controller. And his cat, Wiggins. He's an absolute legend, mainly because, unlike many top birders, he's dedicated to spreading happiness and wonderfulness wherever he goes. But, there is one thing ... one tiny crack in his benevolence and terrificocity.... And that's his driving. and his passengering. I was stonkled and terrifried when his Top Friend, " The King of Bryher", told me he had got a lift in The Flat Controller's car the other day When you're young, you have this strange and irrational feeling of immortality. I told you he was very flat. (and he's actually flatter than that) That's why he can't wear a hat And certainly not a cravat. His flatness is famous worldwide Especially when viewed from the side He's only a fingernail wide For him 'tis quite easy to hide. Despite being amazingly thin He weighs about 400 lbs Considering the state he's in it's amazing he's not underground. And beware if he asks for a lift his "short cuts" must be firmly dismissed he'll bust your suspension offer NO compensation and you'll be incredibly miffed. It's even worse when he is driving you've a minuscule chance of surviving ... He rubs his eyes and picks his nose and wipes the snot all down his clothes. He scrapes the windscreen with his sleeves From lane to lane he ducks and weaves And yells and shouts at other drivers and calls them layabouts and skivers but because he's as thin as he is they can't see him, he's almost invis ! They're baffled, bemused and completely confused so "off" he is able to "whizz" and leaves them all for dust as all such drivers must. So ...never get into his car or let him into your's you'll not get very far before he starts to snore which can be quite surprising especially when he's doing the driving. Seriously folks .... apart from all that, his gravitational pull can have a serious effect on your attempts to get away from his famously unpopular bird mortuary. Hang on .... bird sanctuary. I'm sure many of my avid readers have got an equivalent "Controller" of some sort or another in their area. He may well be called Derek or Gerald ..and let's not forget the female sex ... there might be a Deirdre or Gwendoline.
The main thing is, they've got to be "self-appointed." That's their key feature ... Anyway, whatever, I'd love to hear about them .... but only if they're crap. There's lots of different and entertaining ways of being crap, so there's plenty of variety. And don't forget to give them a nickname of some sort. In my little circle .. it's very small, or if you like, exclusive, I'm called Disparate Dan . They think I don't know, but of course, I do.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorThat's the author up there ... I was young and sprightly then. Archives
October 2022
|